A podcast by Renae and I LISTEN AND COMMENT

Fyi it is sorta long don't listen to all of it if you aint got time!

Kid's view on LOVE

One of my favorite albums is the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, not only for the musical and lyrical content, but the interludes. A teacher asks a bunch of youth what they think about love, and children know a lot about love, beyond their years, they just don't know it.

Ryan and I have been experiencing a lot during this season, it's been a maturing process to say the least. We're learning what battles to fight, what battles to walk away from, timing, submission, all of that good stuff. In a moment of reflection, I told my 4th grade students at work, "When you fall love, it's a lot of hard work and compromise," and one student chimed in, "And a lot of crying sometimes too." I chuckled at that statement, because I tend to be the cryer in the relationship, and sometimes the tears are necessary, and totally unneccesary. But I thought to myself, "I wonder what her parent's relationship is like in order for her to say that."

I asked another student about his parents. He told me that his mother doesn't work, but she helps out others when planning parties. I then asked him, "What is your dad's job?" He said, "I don't know, he's relaxing in Mexico." I had no idea he was growing up without a father in his home, I thought about how that will affect him, and I thought about how hard it must be for his mother.

Another student of mine doesn't live with her parents, she is being raised by her grandparent's with her cousin's. Her mom had a new born baby and she sees her mom and gets to spend time with her every two weeks. Her mom came to pick her up from the after-school program for a little while and after spending time with her mom, who she doesn't live with, she came up to me and said, "Miss Renae, my mom and dad don't fight anymore." I thought to myself, "What does that mean to a 4th grade girl who doesn't even live with her parents?"

Love is...who knows what it is, I feel like it's things like trust and communication and patience and kindness and everything in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 wrapped into one. I guess all I'm trying to say is, situations are complicated when love is.

Weaknesses

Here's a list of some of mine, weaknesses that I allow to be weakness.

-Hershey's Kisses with almonds: I can snack on these for days.

-Hot Cheetos, Hot Cheeto Puffs: It never fails, when a kid offers me some at work, I must give in!

-Jennifer Lopez: I've actually watched Monster-in-Law twice in a row on Oxygen, her movies are terribly mediocre, yet delightfully addicting.

-America's Next Top Model: I think I like this show so much because I get to see the process, and yes, I've watched and re-watched episodes I've already seen before.

-Infomercials: But not for the popular stuff, not for Zumba or Proactiv but Hair removers, Revo Stylers, Restore 4, haha, :)

-Strawberry Milk: It reminds me of my adolescence with my grandparents, it's more of a memory connection type of thing for me.

-Santana's Greatest Hits CD: Duh, need I explain more?

-People's impressions: I always ask Patrick Ingram to do his impression of a crack head, I always ask Ryan to imitate some of our most awkward situations, I always ask my dad to imitate Rocky Balboa, I love seeing people re-inact people.

-Blue Mascara: I started this trend wenches. And though I have not purchased any for about 6 months, blue is my color, and I don't mind wearing it out.

-Bread: Ryan's family calls me the bread-mister. Whether it be garlic or french, I'm always hustlin' for an extra piece.

-Percussion breakdowns: Whether at church or at a concert, I automatically feel "Latina" when the conguero or timbalero breaks it down.

-Pucheros: For those of you who don't know, it's pouting or saying things like, "I tiiiired" with puppy eyes and pouty lips, all Ryan has to do is say "I tiiired" like that and I'm melting like candle wax.

-Elderly and charming Latino men: Professor Matallana, Professor Sempere, Antonio Banderas, these dudes be swaggin' all day. Their voices and their charms are undeniable.

-Victory dances: Whether it's a salsa step after a goal or running around with wings after a three pointer, I love to see people feel themselves.

-Lauryn Hill: Fugees through various mixtapes, that's my dude. I love her voice and I love her vibe.

-When I'm called "Reina": I am a queen, the majority of my mom's family calls me this, but every now and then, when I'm called "Raindrops" or "Brooklyn" or "Ray", I smile and get all fuzzy inside.

-Stuffed animals: I tried to diagnose myself, I think it's called essentialism, but basically, I love my stuffed animals. My Donald Duck, my Snoopy, my Curious George, I hold them like babies and kiss them. Be creeped out if you want, but I never had any younger siblings or dogs or anything, I always had birds.

(I really don't want to start my homework, but I can't think of any more, so it likes like I'll have to start in t-minus 5...4...3...2...1.

Free Write

Getting out of bed can be a hard task, but once you get used to the initial coldness, you're fine, it all starts with removing yourself from the bed.

Being productive over break feels really good. Waking up early really does mean that the early bird gets the first worm.

All of the celebrities are taking my name ideas, I want to name a daughter Brooklyn and have Azul as a middle name for another child. But, everyone and their mom in Hollywood has named their child Brooklyn and Beyonce named her baby girl Blue. And, I'm not having children anytime soon. So, it looks like I'm stuck. :)

Being in a relationship is humbling, and I realize that you have to LET YOURSELF BE LOVED. It isn't easy when you're always on defense/survival mode, I have to pray daily, it's humbling, my mindset has shifted and shifted and will continue to shift.

I go hard in the paint when I play Crash Bandicoot. That's my game, and I always go HAM!!! I play sporadically because the PlayStation is at Ryan's house but I'm on a mission to get as many gems as possible, and I need five more crystals. And I hate the boss levels or the levels in between.

I feel like I might have some salicylate sensitivity. They say some allergens and sensitivities develop later on in life.

I've always enjoyed watching Basketball, but even more now since Ry is a Warrior's fan. I know the player's names and numbers, but I can't bring myself to be a Warrior's fan. I just can't. I don't know why. I like my home, but I've always liked Southern California teams, except for the Sharks.

And let me say, 2012 is going to be a great year of change in so many areas. "Holla, ain't no stoppin' me!" (Missy Elliot voice).

Marvin

My stomach hurts and I don't want to translate a paper so I'm going to take a break.

I have a student named Marvin, he's a transfer student from Linda Vista Elementary School, he's very tall for his age, and is even-tempered. Sometimes he understands what I'm saying with ease and others, with great difficulty, I didn't think too much about it until today.

Come to find out, Marvin immigrated from El Salvador about two years ago. When I found out, I immediately felt humbled.

While waiting for some kids to finish their homework in Homework Center, I said, "Marvin, ven aqui." I started to ask him about his experience...He said that it's hard for him to do his homework because it's in English, and though his dad started to teach him English some time ago, he learned the majority of it in school, he also prefers his native tongue over English. At one point I asked him, "Do you like it here?" He shook his head and I noticed that he lowered his face, as to avoid eye contact with me. I asked, "Do you miss home?" At this point when he looked up, his eyes were bright red and glossy. I asked him, "Do you want to go to the bathroom?" and to this, he said yes.

While he was in the bathroom, I thought about how life is difficult. In reading Spanish poetry, a common theme is a love that people have for their "patria", their homeland. Jose Marti automatically came to mind, some lyrics in a song by Calle 13 say, "El que no quiere a su patria, no quiere a su madre." I would love to move to Los Angeles, New York City, or Miami but to permanently move to another country, though sounds exciting, is equally scary. Marvin probably feels displaced. I thought about the "American Dream", and though he may eventually grow to like San Jose, California, for a ten-year-old to move from a Spanish speaking country to an English speaking country, keep up with homework in English, make friends and communicate in English, along a list of other things, Marvin is a very strong young man.

When he came back, I told him that I study Spanish in school and that I'll need someone to practice with. He then told me, "I don't like Spanish" and I responded, "What? You just told me you did?" He told me that his mom told him not to speak Spanish to anyone, and I realized that she probably wanted Marvin to assimilate well. I then told him, "Marvin, everyone speaks Spanish here." I called over about four different students and told them to tell me about their Thanksgiving in Spanish, and sure enough, Marvin and I both were entangled in stories in the language of love. He smiled. I wanted him to recognize that probably 90% of the students (Lyndale has a 97% Latino presence) speak Spanish, and many kids live in his situation or some variation of it.

I found out that Marvin doesn't like pizza because "it makes you fat". He doesn't like hot dogs, but he does like spaghetti.

When it was silent reading time, I noticed him dozing off and not paying attention, and he had every right to, why read a book in a language that is difficult to understand? I told that him that he needed to read to me. He initially hesitated but I told him, "No, porque ya me dijiste que para ti, es dificil para entender ingles, y necesitas practicar." I felt like I was acting in my purpose when I was helping him, it took him about ten minutes to read two pages. I thought about the struggle Marvin will have to endure, and how he'll have to figure it out along the way, and I thanked God for my job at this point because I want to see Marvin suceed, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that he does. I'm going to take him under my wing. I told Ryan that we meet half way with his under-developed English and my under-developed Spanish. There was one part in the book that said "pretty frightening", I told him, "En este sentido, 'pretty' no significa 'hermosa' o 'linda' o 'guapa' o 'bonita', es el mismo que 'muy' o 'tan', como 'very'" and he shook his head in understanding. Another part of the book had a sentence that said, "his mom wanted him to leave a tip" and I asked him, "Sabes lo que significa 'tip'?" He responded, "punto?" And I told him, "No, en este sentido, es lo que tus padres pagan a una persona que lleva maletas, como..." and Marvin finished my thought by saying, "...tres o cuatro dolares." I smiled.

I'm sure many of you know by now that my heart is for el pueblo latino. I am not defending my heart by this statement, but I will say that Latinos face things like lack of resources, lack of formal education in order to help their children, language barriers, and racism, amongst other things. The language barrier is an area where I feel that I will be used. When I was explaining the meanings to Marvin, I thought that maybe on down the line, I can become an ESL specialist, and with my tutoring, I'd love to self-contract myself as a tutor for Spanish speaking children who are struggling in literacy or ESL students at little or no cost at all.

I can't tell you how good it felt to help him. Marvin is going to succeed in his life.

I can't pinpoint what my purpose is, but I do know that I acted in it today.

words and stuff

Free write just the words that come to my mind immediately not really any punctuation maybe some punctuation... call it lazy or call it visceral I'm listening to good music and I felt like writing i wish i could get over this annoying need for preparation i want to start living right now not tomorrow not next year not soon but now. if you have that same problem lets make a pact, let us relinquish future orientation let us love people right now.. fully and completely i'm let's give our stuff away and live adventurously lets be about what we speak. i wanna be free from myself I want to be dependent on my creator not created things. it is not fun admitting that i am not living that way currently but is is comforting knowing that i have the potential to better myself and that the creator has a willingness to help me live that way. i will be adventurous i will be less about me and more about others. i will love renae better, i will love my community better, i will love my family better, i will love the act of loving better.. love is enough it has been and it will be

What I love about San Jose

I was walking out of a meeting at Mayfair Community Center and I saw a stand where they sold hot cheetos and elotes. As I passed by, the wind was blowing and there were little droplets of rain hitting my face. It was ethereal, one of those moments where you're happy to be alive and in direct contact with the elements. As I passed by the stand, I saw a bag attached to it that said, "Love where you live".

If you know me well enough, I'm sure you've heard me say that I'd rather live in LA anyday. That's a partial truth.

Here are some things that I adore about San Jose.

1. I love the eateries like Mark's Hot Dogs, Antipasto's, Jalisco's, La Victoria and Pho 54.

2. I love that growing up, some of my closest friends were Filipino, Vietnamese, Samoan, and from Sierra Leon. Everyone says that San Jose is overpopulated with Mexicans, which it is, but my circle of friends growing up was very diverse.

3. I love that San Jose is a very big city but it's one small world. You'll find this out if you work at a mall.

4. I love that San Francisco is an hour north and Santa Cruz is about 45 minutes south. I love that I can go to Sharks game, a Giants game, and a Warriors game without having to drive a long distance.

5. I love that in various eateries, you can witness a Flipino, Vietnamese, Black, or White person speaking Spanish.

6. I love the moments in San Jose where you're in the car with your friends and a hyphy song comes on. Those are priceless.

7. I love seeing shark fins on top of ambulances.

8. I love that literally anywhere, a taqueria or some genre of "Mexican" food can be found about five minutes away from where you are.

9. I love the Temple all the way up Quimby road, I've gone with some of my closest friends and now boyfriend up there to cry, to talk, or even by myself, just to think.

10. I love being from San Jose at Sharks games.

There's this one part in a Calle 13 song that says, "El que no queria a su patria, no queria a su madre." He's basically saying that if you reject your homeland, you reject your mother. San Jose is my city, the "United States" is my supposed homeland, but basically, if you can't claim your city, bye!