The intersection of family values, school discipline, and white people who lack cultural competency deciding what's acceptable for people or students of color in a school setting is very personal to me. My little cousin recently was caught in the middle of that particular intersection and the thing is, though he may not be able to fully articulate the injustices he faced, he is not too young to understand how absurd the particular situation is.
And here's the situation...but first, let's start with some disclaimers, shall we? These will make sense when the story is laid out.
1. I've always been one to speak my mind, and being critical of something is not equivalent to bashing it, though I have a right to and love a good drag session. There's a reason why this is the first disclaimer.
2. No, I don't have a Master's degree nor did I major in CHAD. I haven't gone through school leadership training and other than reading a few books and sitting through a few pieces of training on restorative justice, I'm still qualified to speak my mind about this particular situation because people of color are always expected to either "keep it real" in staff meetings, bring the voice of reason when someone can't "control" their classroom, or give tips on how to relate to the "tough" kid or just talk to the tough kid in general. Between my years of babysitting and working with children since I was 18, I've gone through an evolution like many and when I see or hear about some nonsense because I actually read and I know a thing or two, I will say something about it especially if it involves kin.
3. People of color need to be in leadership positions in schools in general, and especially if the community they are serving is a community of color.
4. Schools need cultural competency training, and I will say it again for the people in the back. SCHOOLS NEED CULTURAL COMPETENCY TRAINING.
Alright, let's get this story started.
I'm going to change names and be as vague as possible in order to protect those involved.
I have a little cousin who is charismatic, probably a kinesthetic learner, and outspoken. He goes to a school in the biggest charter school network in the South Bay. He recently got suspended because a student called him a "transgender gay" and my cousin, let's call him "Bobby", walked away. It was later acknowledged by the school's leadership team that no one was supervising in the vicinity so Bobby had no one to tell. The bully comes around again to mess with Bobby, and this time, he kicks Bobby. Bobby kicks back.
One last disclaimer: I don't have every single detail because I'm not Bobby's parents, I am speaking from what I know after talking to Bobby's family members. Because of restorative justice, calling a student a "bully" is wrong because we're taught to not identify them with their offense. But because I don't want to type "student who bullied" Bobby every single time, I knowingly am going to type "bully" instead.
Bobby received the same consequence as the bully: suspension. His parents were rightfully angry. 1, why weren't there any teachers around to supervise what happened? 2, Bobby walked away the first time. 3, he reacted to the assault in the form of self-defense.
The assistant principal literally suggested that Bobby should have curled up into a ball on the floor until the assault ended. This person didn't take into account agency over one's body and how in Bobby's familial culture, he is told from his loved ones to never let anyone put hands (or legs) on him because he respects himself. When addressing situations like these, school rules may not align with what is enforced at home. Nine times out of ten, it probably won't, but to tell the parents of a child that their son should have curled up in a ball implies that he should have gladly taken the assault and not defended himself WHICH LEADS ME TO MY NEXT POINT.
The grown, white man handling the situation told Bobby's parents, "In my martial arts class, we define self-defense as..." So it's okay for a white adult male adult to pay for lessons to learn how to defend himself but he expects a little Brown boy who is being assaulted to lie down on the floor and take it? THE HYPOCRISY. Why doesn't the assistant principal practice what he preaches then? Why is he taking self-defense classes in the form of martial arts when he doesn't expect the children that he serves to do the same (use self-defense to stop an assault)? I'm not saying "an eye for an eye" should be how schools should handle fights but a school is not a dojo. The assistant principal is learning self-defense in a controlled setting, the situation Bobby endured wasn't and obviously so if no one was supervising.
Speaking from a cultural perspective, my dad always told me, "If by the third time someone won't stop messing with you, you have to do something. If they initiate and only if they initiate, you defend yourself. And I'll take care of the rest." And guess what? He's a brown belt in kung fu. He knows I didn't take kung fu, he knew I was skinny and didn't have much going for me in a physical fight, but he didn't want me to think it was okay to endure bullying and he wanted me to know that standing up for yourself is noble. Nobody had the right to put their hands or legs on me, for any reason. Raise your hand if your parents taught you "take shit from no one"?
Speaking from a cultural perspective, my dad always told me, "If by the third time someone won't stop messing with you, you have to do something. If they initiate and only if they initiate, you defend yourself. And I'll take care of the rest." And guess what? He's a brown belt in kung fu. He knows I didn't take kung fu, he knew I was skinny and didn't have much going for me in a physical fight, but he didn't want me to think it was okay to endure bullying and he wanted me to know that standing up for yourself is noble. Nobody had the right to put their hands or legs on me, for any reason. Raise your hand if your parents taught you "take shit from no one"?
Lastly, the letter Bobby's parents were supposed to sign said that the bully "pushed Bobby with his leg" when Bobby "kicked" the bully back. What do you call a "push with a leg"? I'm literally perplexed.
As a mother and as an educator, the manner in which this situation was handled is extremely concerning. I'm not saying Bobby shouldn't have gotten a consequence, I'm saying his consequence didn't match his offense. I'm also saying the assistant principal had a whole lot of nerve to say the things he said about how Bobby should have handled it, especially because he's paying to learn techniques to do the exact opposite if the situation presented itself. What's evident to me is that the person who handled this issue doesn't understand the cultural forces at play, he also displayed his privilege like a peacock. It's more often than not that students of color are criminalized from such an early age and if you lack the training, you'll be incapable of seeing the deeper implications.
My child isn't in school yet, but I hope to be like my mother if and when an issue arises. I watched my mom navigate school issues like such a bad ass with my brother and I. They did whatever she wanted, whatever. She didn't serve on the PTA, she didn't bake cookies for the school secretaries, she didn't volunteer, and she didn't have any stock in the school other than her children attending it, but she made things happen for us. She was authoritative, no-nonsense, and she set the tone of atmosphere in which she navigated situations. Poetry in motion. To be honest, I probably wouldn't want to deal with her if she was the parent of one of my students lol.
People always talk about "mama bear" coming to the rescue for their children but to every mama, daddy or family member who has had to stand up for their child in a school setting, I commend the hell out of you!
