Spanglish

Estoy segura que todo el mundo ya sabe que mi especialidad primaria en la universidad es espanol.

I don't identify as "Mexican" because I'm not, my family are mestizos, but not from the territory currently known as Mexico, they are from the territy formally known as Mexico, we are a mezcla of indigenous blood and somehow, some way, our last name became Garcia. Self-identifying as a Chicana, I take pride in the languages that I speak. Those languages right now are English and Spanglish. I don't feel comfortable saying that I am a Spanish speaker and I probably never will, but that won't stop me from speaking it.

Today en class, we had to hold a soccer ball and say what our insecurities were. I said, "Hola, me llamo Renae, soy de San Jose y soy Chicana, a veces, solamente cuando yo hablo espanol, no cuando yo hablo ingles pero, a veces tengo verguenza porque no puedo hablar con fluidez, no estoy timida en ingles pero en espanol, estoy muy timida."

One Mexican girl and one Columbian girl said that they were ashamed at the fact that English is seeping into their command of Spanish and that they thought Spanglish was ugly.

This was comical to me, because I think my Spanglish is beautiful, and my reason is because of the total opposite, I am proud that Spanish is seeping into my English. So I may not sound the most professional or sophisticated when I say, "Como like...", but, I adore my Spanglish because Spanglish describes my experience in this country.

I'm just a dreamer, lost in translation.

A lot of changes have been happening lately. I got transferred to a new school site within my job that requires 10x more structure. I'll finally be able to speak Spanish because the school's demographic is 97% Latino. The school site is literally 5 minutes away from my house and the job requires more hours which turns into more pay. It couldn't be more perfect. I stopped serving in youth group and will be officially serving in the Spanish ministry playing percussion alongside an awesome father, Mr. Jay Salas. I finally have an expected graduation date which I've never had before and it really is a beautiful things to me. My Ryan got a new job working in a charter school system whose goals and methods he fully supports. Though a lot of changes have been happening, none have been overwhelming, and I thank God for that.

I think the words "Lost in Translation" are beautiful depending on how you look at it. Many times, I am lost in translation with Spanish because I know exactly what I want to say, I just can't express it as easily as I do in English. Though frustrating, in my perspective, this is the beauty of languages.

I have to be honest, I am very excited about this upcoming semester, but I am also equally nervous. I've always had this fear of "not being good enough" and this is one of the reasons why I primarily dismissed the possibility of ever learning Spanish, because as stated in Selena, "Being a Mexican-American is exhausting," and especially when it comes to the language, "They will eat you up and spit you out." I've come to terms with the fact that I may never achieve fluency, and though I have improved leaps and bounds, I have to recognize that the concepts and ideas that will be lost in translation, God will take care of, especially when it comes to how I want to use this language to touch people's lives.

I have three semesters left, to the average person, that's a really long time, to someone who has changed their major three times, it's a beautiful possibility. After I graduate, I have somewhat of an idea with how I want to navigate my life, I have certain companies in mind that I would like to work for, I know that I want to attend the National Hispanic (The H-word! No!) University, but I'm not sure as to what I would like to major in. But until that time comes, I will clothe my dreams and prayer.

Ryan and I tend to do act out a lot of fictional situations or situations we know we will encounter in the future. This past Saturday, while stuffing our faces with pizza, I practiced a graduation speech in Spanish while he translated. After I welcomed everyone for coming, I then said, "For all of you who have made fun of me for taking 5.5 years in the university, the door is over there, and you can dismiss yourself." Harsh statement, but despite the fact that this amount of time is the norm for those attempting to earn their undergraduate degree, very few people have any clue about how I've struggled in college. The two failed classes, the vomiting before finals, the terrible eating habits, the changing of majors three times, the all-niters, the surgery, and the mental battles I fight with Spanish, it's been rough. I'm not stating my reality for sympathy cause I could really care less, I'm stating my reality so people can recognize that yes, it's a joke, I'm a super senior, however, I'm exceling in something that I feel God will use in a mighty way. Spanish isn't my tongue, it's my heart. And the expectation that comes with being Mexican-American to speak a language that isn't my first tongue wasn't enough to stop me.

My House

I enjoy my apartment because it is such an apartment. it's apartment-y, the walls are as thin as the semi-permeable membrane that encloses animal cells.  the gas heater burps random hot air like a hallway dragon that has gas, the hallway is actually more like a box-way because it is as wide as it is long. the carpet is marvelously plain, the wall unit ac is sufficient to cool the entire apartment and the shower head is lower than my head, granted i am 6 foot 3 inches, but that is beside the point, what i am trying to say is that my little house is perfect because its mine. the titillating joys of saying things like "yeah come over to my place" or vacuuming at 11:30p while listening to music never gets old. my new favorite past time is watching episodes of Daria on dvd while i eat dinner. my couch (where i eat dinner) is exactly 8 feet and 6 inches long. it didn't fit through the front door so i called my cousin to help us hoist it over the balcony from atop my brothers pick-up truck, although that process took more time than expected, i wouldn't trade that experience for anything. i thank my grandma for the couch. i am blessed i appreciate all that i have and i love my little house,  

Golly!!

Renae has always had a very "obvious" approach to communicating in that she doesn't ever find metaphorical ways of communicating simple concepts. I admire that about her very much. This blog hasn't been overwhelming for me but I have shied a little bit away from it because I always take this existential, non specific approach to communication. I am terrible at communicating anecdotal accounts of mere existence when they pertain to my life, I think its because I get bored reiterating what happened in my life its almost like "I was there, so why re-hash an event that I have already experienced once today" hahaha readers! please know that I am not cynical towards life, in fact I believe the glass is always half full! and its always half full of purple or red kool-aid. I guess I just have to be ok with the fact that my blog posts are going to look sound and smell differently than Renae's. Consider this a disclaimer but don't expect neat paragraphs separated as per unifying topical information! Just try and get on my nile of consciousness and enjoy the expedition, I will be the boat driver and Renae will be the tour guide, she's better at pointing out the sights, and i will just do my best to stay afloat :)

Even writing this blog post shows me that relationships are less about striving towards homogenization and more about being who it is that you are. A lot of times its actually easier to accept someone else for who it is that they are, and the real difficulty comes when you gotta accept who it is that you are. This is the maiden voyage of my blog-captain career and my hope is to learn more about myself my Nae and the people we come into contact with. Stay tuned for what is to come Renae has given you a taste with 6 posts already! but that is only a taste of the kool-aid, it is on like Donkey Kong in fact I played that game today on my brother's gameboy (look at me being anecdotal!)        

Latinas and Body Image

Things change and rearrange, why do we try and exclude our bodies?

I recently and randomly ran into a good friend from high school, turns out, her aunt lives two houses down from where I care-give. We decided that after my time with the girls, we would hang out.

At 1:00, I called my friend and she said, "Come inside, my aunt wants to meet you." As I reached the top of the stairs, my eyes fell in love with her house, the colors, the decorations, all of it. It was extremely clean, and some might say that all of the color make the house too busy, but for me, it made me feel right at home.

Her aunt and I immediately clicked, we changed subjects almost every minute as we laughed in between. Her aunt was a sweet lady, outgoing, friendly, and made you feel like her house was your house. Her presence alone made me shift from sitting up straight on her couch to slouching and cuddling with a pillow.

Once my friend and I decided that it was time to go, her aunt came out to say good-bye. She shook my hand and once her hand met mine, she said, "You give a great handshake, which means you are an honest and sincere person. I love your spirit, it's colorful, you have great energy." Almost immediately after, she reached out to touch my stomach, rubbing it as if I had a baby bump, she then said, "You have a great figure." At this moment, I thought to myself, "This woman is serious right now? She just finished talking about my character, now she's rubbing my stomach!" I'm accustomed to Latin women being so forward when it comes to bodies and the compliments and/or putdowns that they give so I wasn't shocked or offended, I was comically entertained. Immediately after touching my stomach, she put her hands on my waist and said, "I can actually see your waist, how nice, I can't even see mine anymore." I told her, "You look great for your age, what are you talking about?" She then explained to me that when you age, body parts shift from their original places.

My purpose in this post isn't to state the obvious, it's a known fact that women are under a lot of pressure when it comes to body image, however, I guess all I'm trying to do is poke fun at the fact that Latina women can be extremely forward when it comes to their bodies and the commentary on the bodies of others. We as women also need to stop comparing ourselves to unrealistic standards, especially when age comes into play. I may eat my words when I am 65 but I'll acknowledge the fact that when I'm 65, I won't have the same metabolism as I did in high school, or the metabolism that I have now which is slower than the metabolism I had in high school.

I believe that my body and my assets are sacred, and although compliments are nice, I feel that there needs to be recognition that a body is personal. For women who are well-endowed, petite, or slender, our body parts aren't who we are or what we do, they are simply body parts. And, our bodies are the standard. I remember asking a friend in high school, "You ever notice that a Barbie body is like, non existent, or one in a million? How come they don't make Barbies that look like everyday people?" Her response, "Because they wouldn't sell."

"Everybody is unique. Compare not yourself with anybody else, lest you spoil God's curriculum."-Baal Shem Tov