Marvin

My stomach hurts and I don't want to translate a paper so I'm going to take a break.

I have a student named Marvin, he's a transfer student from Linda Vista Elementary School, he's very tall for his age, and is even-tempered. Sometimes he understands what I'm saying with ease and others, with great difficulty, I didn't think too much about it until today.

Come to find out, Marvin immigrated from El Salvador about two years ago. When I found out, I immediately felt humbled.

While waiting for some kids to finish their homework in Homework Center, I said, "Marvin, ven aqui." I started to ask him about his experience...He said that it's hard for him to do his homework because it's in English, and though his dad started to teach him English some time ago, he learned the majority of it in school, he also prefers his native tongue over English. At one point I asked him, "Do you like it here?" He shook his head and I noticed that he lowered his face, as to avoid eye contact with me. I asked, "Do you miss home?" At this point when he looked up, his eyes were bright red and glossy. I asked him, "Do you want to go to the bathroom?" and to this, he said yes.

While he was in the bathroom, I thought about how life is difficult. In reading Spanish poetry, a common theme is a love that people have for their "patria", their homeland. Jose Marti automatically came to mind, some lyrics in a song by Calle 13 say, "El que no quiere a su patria, no quiere a su madre." I would love to move to Los Angeles, New York City, or Miami but to permanently move to another country, though sounds exciting, is equally scary. Marvin probably feels displaced. I thought about the "American Dream", and though he may eventually grow to like San Jose, California, for a ten-year-old to move from a Spanish speaking country to an English speaking country, keep up with homework in English, make friends and communicate in English, along a list of other things, Marvin is a very strong young man.

When he came back, I told him that I study Spanish in school and that I'll need someone to practice with. He then told me, "I don't like Spanish" and I responded, "What? You just told me you did?" He told me that his mom told him not to speak Spanish to anyone, and I realized that she probably wanted Marvin to assimilate well. I then told him, "Marvin, everyone speaks Spanish here." I called over about four different students and told them to tell me about their Thanksgiving in Spanish, and sure enough, Marvin and I both were entangled in stories in the language of love. He smiled. I wanted him to recognize that probably 90% of the students (Lyndale has a 97% Latino presence) speak Spanish, and many kids live in his situation or some variation of it.

I found out that Marvin doesn't like pizza because "it makes you fat". He doesn't like hot dogs, but he does like spaghetti.

When it was silent reading time, I noticed him dozing off and not paying attention, and he had every right to, why read a book in a language that is difficult to understand? I told that him that he needed to read to me. He initially hesitated but I told him, "No, porque ya me dijiste que para ti, es dificil para entender ingles, y necesitas practicar." I felt like I was acting in my purpose when I was helping him, it took him about ten minutes to read two pages. I thought about the struggle Marvin will have to endure, and how he'll have to figure it out along the way, and I thanked God for my job at this point because I want to see Marvin suceed, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that he does. I'm going to take him under my wing. I told Ryan that we meet half way with his under-developed English and my under-developed Spanish. There was one part in the book that said "pretty frightening", I told him, "En este sentido, 'pretty' no significa 'hermosa' o 'linda' o 'guapa' o 'bonita', es el mismo que 'muy' o 'tan', como 'very'" and he shook his head in understanding. Another part of the book had a sentence that said, "his mom wanted him to leave a tip" and I asked him, "Sabes lo que significa 'tip'?" He responded, "punto?" And I told him, "No, en este sentido, es lo que tus padres pagan a una persona que lleva maletas, como..." and Marvin finished my thought by saying, "...tres o cuatro dolares." I smiled.

I'm sure many of you know by now that my heart is for el pueblo latino. I am not defending my heart by this statement, but I will say that Latinos face things like lack of resources, lack of formal education in order to help their children, language barriers, and racism, amongst other things. The language barrier is an area where I feel that I will be used. When I was explaining the meanings to Marvin, I thought that maybe on down the line, I can become an ESL specialist, and with my tutoring, I'd love to self-contract myself as a tutor for Spanish speaking children who are struggling in literacy or ESL students at little or no cost at all.

I can't tell you how good it felt to help him. Marvin is going to succeed in his life.

I can't pinpoint what my purpose is, but I do know that I acted in it today.

words and stuff

Free write just the words that come to my mind immediately not really any punctuation maybe some punctuation... call it lazy or call it visceral I'm listening to good music and I felt like writing i wish i could get over this annoying need for preparation i want to start living right now not tomorrow not next year not soon but now. if you have that same problem lets make a pact, let us relinquish future orientation let us love people right now.. fully and completely i'm let's give our stuff away and live adventurously lets be about what we speak. i wanna be free from myself I want to be dependent on my creator not created things. it is not fun admitting that i am not living that way currently but is is comforting knowing that i have the potential to better myself and that the creator has a willingness to help me live that way. i will be adventurous i will be less about me and more about others. i will love renae better, i will love my community better, i will love my family better, i will love the act of loving better.. love is enough it has been and it will be

What I love about San Jose

I was walking out of a meeting at Mayfair Community Center and I saw a stand where they sold hot cheetos and elotes. As I passed by, the wind was blowing and there were little droplets of rain hitting my face. It was ethereal, one of those moments where you're happy to be alive and in direct contact with the elements. As I passed by the stand, I saw a bag attached to it that said, "Love where you live".

If you know me well enough, I'm sure you've heard me say that I'd rather live in LA anyday. That's a partial truth.

Here are some things that I adore about San Jose.

1. I love the eateries like Mark's Hot Dogs, Antipasto's, Jalisco's, La Victoria and Pho 54.

2. I love that growing up, some of my closest friends were Filipino, Vietnamese, Samoan, and from Sierra Leon. Everyone says that San Jose is overpopulated with Mexicans, which it is, but my circle of friends growing up was very diverse.

3. I love that San Jose is a very big city but it's one small world. You'll find this out if you work at a mall.

4. I love that San Francisco is an hour north and Santa Cruz is about 45 minutes south. I love that I can go to Sharks game, a Giants game, and a Warriors game without having to drive a long distance.

5. I love that in various eateries, you can witness a Flipino, Vietnamese, Black, or White person speaking Spanish.

6. I love the moments in San Jose where you're in the car with your friends and a hyphy song comes on. Those are priceless.

7. I love seeing shark fins on top of ambulances.

8. I love that literally anywhere, a taqueria or some genre of "Mexican" food can be found about five minutes away from where you are.

9. I love the Temple all the way up Quimby road, I've gone with some of my closest friends and now boyfriend up there to cry, to talk, or even by myself, just to think.

10. I love being from San Jose at Sharks games.

There's this one part in a Calle 13 song that says, "El que no queria a su patria, no queria a su madre." He's basically saying that if you reject your homeland, you reject your mother. San Jose is my city, the "United States" is my supposed homeland, but basically, if you can't claim your city, bye!

We suck at Love :)

Love your neighbor as yourself, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love your enemies, turn the other cheek. If someone wrongs you forgive them seventy times seven times. Care for the orphan and the widow.

Love requires us to look at other peoples' situations and respond to them as if we are in the same position. When our neighbor has no job or is struggling in some area of their existence we should be as up in arms about it as if it were happening to ourselves or affecting a loved one.

I really love my family, my girlfriend, and my close friends a lot. I realize though that at one point or other in my life I didn't know any of those people at all. Prior to really knowing all of them there was the potential to love or not love any of them. “To know them is to love them” I think about that statement and I think it is completely relevant and at the same time one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. It makes sense because we are all humans and have to exist and interact with each other under certain preconditions. We have sin and stuff so there is the potential to fail miserably at relationships. The “and stuff” that I referred to in the last sentence is weird stuff like self esteem, where you devalue yourself or you esteem yourself way too much and have pride. There are tons of other things that encompass that “and stuff” but all and all human love is conditional so the “know to love” statement speaks to that conditionality directly. It's like saying “because you could potentially hurt me, or because you may potentially make me feel less or more, or you fill in the blank.... I have to asses that all of the conditions that exist between us are compatible in enough areas that I can choose to share this nebulous concept of love with you”. In so many words that is exactly what we do! And by no means am I encouraging anyone to completely disregard friendships or deep relationships based on compatibility but it is dangerous sometimes when that is the only thing that we base love on. I think you'd be shocked and amazed how close you could get with another human being, by establishing a relationship based on your differences, or better yet disregarding conditions all together. The “know to love” statement is ridiculous because in reality to know someone else at the simplest level is to know humanity. We are all made out of the same stuff we all bleed when we are cut, we all hurt when we lose something or someone important to us. So we already know exactly what we need to know about other people in order to sufficiently love them prior to “knowing them”, they are human just like yo are.

God proved to us that the only condition that love should be based upon is the Human Condition. He did so by becoming one. In Jesus' skin God loved and loved and loved people like you and I. Jesus said mourn with people who are mourning because you know it sucks to be alone in sad times. He says feed people who don't have anything to eat because you know what your stomach feels like when you are hungry. The “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” thing isn't just a catchy phrase, it's a way of life that says “I could easily be in the position of the person standing right in front of me because I am just as human as they are, so I will choose to treat them kindly”. LOVE OTHER HUMANS BASED ON THE CONDITION OF THEIR INHERENT HUMANNESS! If a HOLY God can love us then why can't we as unholy humans just love all of the other unholy humans?

(The crumby picture above is of a family in Nicaragua that fed me and let me sleep in their house free of charge for a few days while I was walking around Central America in shorts and a backpack. They fed me Nacatamales and Coca-Cola the father of the family was Giovanni he shared scriptures with me and the mosquitoes at night time. they loved me... and got to know me afterward)

My dad taught me the biggest lesson three days ago.

In case you haven't realized, I'm a very loud individual. One of my youth Pastor's always used to say upon greeting me, "Whoa, whoa, where's the volume button?" Upon this statement, I would begin to scream in laughter.

I'm loud...I laugh loud, I talk loud, I argue loud, I cry loud, the list goes on.

My dad is a silent person in the morning. He likes to sit down, play on his iPad, and eat his breakfast in almost complete silence. Sometimes when I come in the kitchen and open the refrigerator, close the refrigerator, open a cabinet, close the cabinet, and after a series of events, want to engage in conversation in the morning, he goes, "Renae, Renae, Renae, shhhhh, not now." To this statement I respond, "But dad!!!!!!" I normally leave the kitchen after, rolling my eyes and mumbling something negative.

I came home from somewhere in the afternoon a few days ago and began to tell him about my experience, he said, "Renae, shhh, not so loud." I responded, "Dad, what the heck, this is who I am." He immediately said, "And this is who I am." My statement had a connotation of, "Just deal with it, I'm loud," and his statement was said with the same underlying statement, "Just deal with it, I'm not."

This taught me so much in so few words.

Compromise man, and take the other person's needs and treat them as if they were your own.

GOD Manifesto

Forgive me for sounding cliché but I do not believe in religion, I am not irreligious. I believe in God I believe that God exists outside of this temporal discourse that we exist in. God is the creator of everything ...There is nothing new under the sun... There is no tangible comprehensible thing that did not proceed from the mouth of God at the beginning. Existence and its appearance of self sustainability is God's masterpiece. And humanity is the apex of that work. This is proven by His own decision to step into the time and space that He formed with His own lips. Clothed in skin and bound by time, God sympathized with us. This was not for the sake of experiencing His created existence because who better to understand existence and humanity than its very architect. Instead He came in order to reconcile the apex of his masterpiece, us, back to himself.

Sin is that which necessitated the symbolic and very actual death of the God of heaven on our behalves. Jesus, the son of God being wholly God and entirely human, offered eternity and existence with God beyond this temporal discourse. He did this for reasons that have to be sufficed by the word grace. Grace is a fancy and concise way of saying 'Humanity has an utter inability to understand why God gave it eternity with Him.” Humanity seems to understand that this “grace thing” has something to do with unconditional love. But the concept of “un-conditionality” is slippery in our hands as well because we exist within the constraints of conditions, like time and space. Understanding that God operates outside of any condition and has actually set the parameters for all conditions, from breath to gravity, allows for the possibility and actuality of love that is unconditional. Once grace attaches itself to a member of humanity it is carried by that member and that member is said to retain what is called salvation. A grace bearer or human with salvation is then transformed into an agent of change that posses the authority of the unconditional God that captivated them.

Grace works perpetually and is maintained as God extends Himself to us. Quite literally God connects us to Himself, He communes with us in order to reveal the truth of Himself over time. This extension of Himself is His Spirit, the ether’s of His existence, the very animating force that constitutes all life and most importantly His own reality. Life creating and sustaining Spirit... God perpetuating spirit... stand alone love at its purest form, spirit.. that very spirit attaches itself to those who are carriers of God's grace.

Profesora Fountain

Her name is Profesora Fountain and I admire her very much. I've been very fortunate to have had the teachers that I've had throughout my 18 years of education (preschool, kindergarten-high school, and when I graduate, I will have spent 5 years in the ivory tower.) Fountain just adds to the list.

She is this beautiful Argentinian woman. Have you ever looked at someone and after they speak Spanish think to yourself, "You speak Spanish?" Well, that's what I thought until I remembered that it isn't uncommon for an Argentinian to have blond hair and blue eyes, Latinos are a spectrum of features.

I went into her office last May, I was looking for a Spanish counselor because I wanted to see if there was any possibility for me to graduate earlier. Having only taken one semester of intermediate Spanish, I expected to be turned down when I asked to take SPAN 160 during the summer, an advanced course. She told me that I would be allowed to take the course, that it would be hard but that I could do it, and that she and other Spanish tutors would be available to help me. When I walked out of her office, she gave me a hug and offered me a huge smile. The class was about Cuban culture through film and every film she turned on either English or Spanish subtitles, offered me supplemental books in Spanish and in English, and was an encouragement to me every step of the way.

I found myself at her office at the beginning of the year, trying to find out when my nearest graduation date would be. She realized that I could graduate this Spring, she signed off all of my papers, responded to every email, and told me that I would be immersed in the language, with no turning back.

Well, I'm taking her class for SPAN 102B, a class about Latino culture since the time of the Olmecs all the way to hoy en dia. We had to turn in the first page of our monografia and I did exceptionally well, she wrote on my paper, "Adelante! Me encanta tu comienzo!" I walked out of class with a smile on my face and then I automatically felt guilty.

Here's why.

I tend to have a low self-esteem when it comes to academia. I do believe that I am a smart person but I've always had a fear of not graduating or failing yet another class at State. I also tend to take praise from my teachers and use it as a reinforcement to assure myself that I am capable, and that's dangerous. The reassurance should Phillipians 4:13 and that the Joy of the Lord is my strength. I've received numerous compliments on my papers throughout my education, one made me cry, one professor pulled me aside and told me that I NEEDED to go to graduate school and that there was no reason as to why I should not go. Often times, because I respect these men and women who praise me, I use their opinions to encourage myself. I am a very honest writer when I do research and often times I incorporate myself and my personal logic and beliefs into my writing, and it's cool that it gets noticed and respected. However, I should be confident enough in myself to go to graduate school without their compliments and opinions. I cannot base my talent and intelligence off of what they think, I need to esteem myself.

Yesterday Profesora stated that due to a complication, another woman will have to take over our class. This made me extremely sad because I adore Profesora Fountain.

She's sweet, educated, and has dedicated her life to her cause and I always respect people like that. Her research has been based on Jose Marti and Cuba, she visits many times throughout the year.

She doesn't exactly know when her last day is, but for the record, I want to say, "Muchisimas gracias por todo, me ha inspirado mucho, ha sido una fuente de animo, y espero que todo vaya bien con usted."

Phuc

One day before I added SPAN 101B, I waited outside the classroom and sat down next to an adorable, elderly Asian man. Come to find out, his name is Phuc, and he was already enrolled in the class.

I think I sat next to him during one class session. He has this welcoming and sweet presence. He has these deep brown puppy eyes and he's balding, otherwise, he's a silver fox. He looks like someone I would affectionately call "Grandpa Phuc", even though there is no blood relation, kind of like my Uncle Eddie, he's not my uncle through any blood relation, but he is, in fact, yesterday I heard him tell the Spanish Worship Leader that I was his niece. :)

I have a lot of respect for Phuc, he's a native Vietnamese speaker, is well versed in French, and I'm assuming he is either a Spanish major or minor because SPAN 101B is an upper division course. Whenever Profesor calls on him to read a sentence, the whole classroom gets quiet, sometimes it takes him a long time to read the sentence and because of his accent, it can be a little difficult to understand, nonetheless, he still does it, and because of his diligence, his answers to grammatical questions are correct 99.9% of the time. He comes to every class session and is always very eager and attentive.

I beat myself up sometimes because I cannot pronounce certain words or speak like a native Spanish speaker but when I look at Phuc's bravery, my pity party stops. My perspective is that of an American English speaking native, I learned in a linguistics class that outsiders to a language think that foreign language is hard, but native speakers never feel that way. For me to learn Vietnamese would be very difficult, but you never hear a native Vietnamese speaker saying, "Oh my gosh, my native language is so hard." It's natural for them, duhhhh. For his native language to be Vietnamese, learn English, learn French, and learn Spanish, I'm blown away! Most people with Latino heritage won't even step foot into a Spanish class because they're ashamed that they aren't native speakers, I was almost one of them, and it's awesome to know that to some people, stuff like that doesn't even matter.

TYRA BANKS and how she bankable!

I love Tyra Banks, granted, I think every now and then she goes a little off top on America's Next Top Model or has gone off top on her talk show but these are some reasons as to why I admire her. I think she is incredibly sexy and inspiring. I know plenty of people who think that she is annoying, but man, she is dynamic, innovative, creative, relevant, and with what she's pulling in at the bank, haters can keep hating. I think it's awesome that America's Next Top Model has been adopted in numerous other countries.

1. Instead of CHANGING HER BODY to fit the proportions of high fashion runway models, she CHANGED HER CAREER and became a face for Victoria's Secret.

2. She constantly says that she feels her mission in life is to help girls with their self-image and self-esteem, she even leads her own camp around this topic. As cliche as it may sound, I can appreciate a gorgeous woman who understands the importance of inner beauty and who wants to help women empower themselves.

3. She was the first African-American swimsuit model on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

4. Her talk-show had a broad range of relevant topics, from orgies to infidelity to race and homosexuality. Ladies and gentlemen the world is changing, and I believe she was fearless in approaching these "taboo" and "controversial topics".

5. Homegirl is attending HARVARD!!!!

6. She's real, I remember on one episode of either Top Model or the Tyra Show she said, "I have a really saggy booty, in case you haven't noticed, every Victoria Secret runway show, I either have a see-through skirt on my backside or something that doesn't fully expose my booty." Who says stuff like that? She does. :)

7. I was watching a special on her on E! and she said something that resonated with me, she's overworked herself to the point of hair loss and disease, and I don't encourage that, however, she said, "I think the reason I work so hard is because if it fails, it reflects on me, and if it's successful, it reflects on me." Boom, I want that type of work ethic.

8. She knows when to stop, when she released a track that wasn't received well, she let it be, she said during her special, "I quit the modeling industry before it quit on me." Powerful.

Besos Miss Tyra.

"The Help" and the hype

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that she finally saw "The Help" and that her reaction was contrary to the reactions of others who have written on Facebook, "Oh my gosh, this movie is life-changing!" "Oh my gosh, I cried the majority of the time, what a powerful story." Some people posted their opinions and defended why they felt the way that they did either agreeing or disagreeing.

I later sent this person a text and said, "I like what you posted on Facebook about 'The Help', ever notice that the majority of people who like the movie aren't Black?" She responded, "Funny how that is, huh?"

I personally enjoy movies surrounding issues of race, successful minorities, and social problems. Some of my favorites are Selena, Stand and Deliver, Whale Rider, Crash, and Sin Nombre. But, these types of movies seldom portray the realities of those the movie is attempting to depict.

Ryan told me a long time ago, "Black people don't like movies like 'Precious' or 'Jumping The Broom' because it's a White man's perspective of our culture, not our own." I thought that was powerful. My friend Malachi told me, "My grandma doesn't have to go see 'The Help' because she lived through it, why go and see her story through someone else's perspective?" Malachi mentioned that the movie was offensive because they portrayed White women standing up for Black women's right as if Black women did not have the power or capability to do so on their own.

Race has always been a controversial issue and my purpose in this post was to acknowledge what my friend had posted, I haven't even seen the movie but "The Help" is a movie marketed to attract mainstream America, and if you look up the directors and producers (Tate Taylor, Chris Columbus, Jeff Skoll) it's probably easy to understand why my friend didn't enjoy the movie.

Church "isms" that I disagree with.

-"Lift your hands if you love Jesus." - Naw bro...I used to think that I was rejecting my Jesus to his face if I didn't, but with due time, I became comfortable with the way that I express my praise during Praise and Worship time and I don't feel the need to do every little thing that the worship leader says.

-"If your Bible is falling apart, your life isn't." - My Bible isn't falling apart because I read my Bible on my iPhone.

-"Oh, I can tell the ones that God has brought through something. These are the ones screaming and shouting and jumping up and down." - Worship and thanksgiving shouldn't look the same from one person to the next because God has designed us all differently, therefore if we're all different, the way that we worship God should be unique to the relationship we have with him.

-"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." - I believe that God did make Adam and Eve, but this statement isn't going to stop Adam and Steve on acting for what they feel for one another.

Spanglish

Estoy segura que todo el mundo ya sabe que mi especialidad primaria en la universidad es espanol.

I don't identify as "Mexican" because I'm not, my family are mestizos, but not from the territory currently known as Mexico, they are from the territy formally known as Mexico, we are a mezcla of indigenous blood and somehow, some way, our last name became Garcia. Self-identifying as a Chicana, I take pride in the languages that I speak. Those languages right now are English and Spanglish. I don't feel comfortable saying that I am a Spanish speaker and I probably never will, but that won't stop me from speaking it.

Today en class, we had to hold a soccer ball and say what our insecurities were. I said, "Hola, me llamo Renae, soy de San Jose y soy Chicana, a veces, solamente cuando yo hablo espanol, no cuando yo hablo ingles pero, a veces tengo verguenza porque no puedo hablar con fluidez, no estoy timida en ingles pero en espanol, estoy muy timida."

One Mexican girl and one Columbian girl said that they were ashamed at the fact that English is seeping into their command of Spanish and that they thought Spanglish was ugly.

This was comical to me, because I think my Spanglish is beautiful, and my reason is because of the total opposite, I am proud that Spanish is seeping into my English. So I may not sound the most professional or sophisticated when I say, "Como like...", but, I adore my Spanglish because Spanglish describes my experience in this country.

I'm just a dreamer, lost in translation.

A lot of changes have been happening lately. I got transferred to a new school site within my job that requires 10x more structure. I'll finally be able to speak Spanish because the school's demographic is 97% Latino. The school site is literally 5 minutes away from my house and the job requires more hours which turns into more pay. It couldn't be more perfect. I stopped serving in youth group and will be officially serving in the Spanish ministry playing percussion alongside an awesome father, Mr. Jay Salas. I finally have an expected graduation date which I've never had before and it really is a beautiful things to me. My Ryan got a new job working in a charter school system whose goals and methods he fully supports. Though a lot of changes have been happening, none have been overwhelming, and I thank God for that.

I think the words "Lost in Translation" are beautiful depending on how you look at it. Many times, I am lost in translation with Spanish because I know exactly what I want to say, I just can't express it as easily as I do in English. Though frustrating, in my perspective, this is the beauty of languages.

I have to be honest, I am very excited about this upcoming semester, but I am also equally nervous. I've always had this fear of "not being good enough" and this is one of the reasons why I primarily dismissed the possibility of ever learning Spanish, because as stated in Selena, "Being a Mexican-American is exhausting," and especially when it comes to the language, "They will eat you up and spit you out." I've come to terms with the fact that I may never achieve fluency, and though I have improved leaps and bounds, I have to recognize that the concepts and ideas that will be lost in translation, God will take care of, especially when it comes to how I want to use this language to touch people's lives.

I have three semesters left, to the average person, that's a really long time, to someone who has changed their major three times, it's a beautiful possibility. After I graduate, I have somewhat of an idea with how I want to navigate my life, I have certain companies in mind that I would like to work for, I know that I want to attend the National Hispanic (The H-word! No!) University, but I'm not sure as to what I would like to major in. But until that time comes, I will clothe my dreams and prayer.

Ryan and I tend to do act out a lot of fictional situations or situations we know we will encounter in the future. This past Saturday, while stuffing our faces with pizza, I practiced a graduation speech in Spanish while he translated. After I welcomed everyone for coming, I then said, "For all of you who have made fun of me for taking 5.5 years in the university, the door is over there, and you can dismiss yourself." Harsh statement, but despite the fact that this amount of time is the norm for those attempting to earn their undergraduate degree, very few people have any clue about how I've struggled in college. The two failed classes, the vomiting before finals, the terrible eating habits, the changing of majors three times, the all-niters, the surgery, and the mental battles I fight with Spanish, it's been rough. I'm not stating my reality for sympathy cause I could really care less, I'm stating my reality so people can recognize that yes, it's a joke, I'm a super senior, however, I'm exceling in something that I feel God will use in a mighty way. Spanish isn't my tongue, it's my heart. And the expectation that comes with being Mexican-American to speak a language that isn't my first tongue wasn't enough to stop me.

My House

I enjoy my apartment because it is such an apartment. it's apartment-y, the walls are as thin as the semi-permeable membrane that encloses animal cells.  the gas heater burps random hot air like a hallway dragon that has gas, the hallway is actually more like a box-way because it is as wide as it is long. the carpet is marvelously plain, the wall unit ac is sufficient to cool the entire apartment and the shower head is lower than my head, granted i am 6 foot 3 inches, but that is beside the point, what i am trying to say is that my little house is perfect because its mine. the titillating joys of saying things like "yeah come over to my place" or vacuuming at 11:30p while listening to music never gets old. my new favorite past time is watching episodes of Daria on dvd while i eat dinner. my couch (where i eat dinner) is exactly 8 feet and 6 inches long. it didn't fit through the front door so i called my cousin to help us hoist it over the balcony from atop my brothers pick-up truck, although that process took more time than expected, i wouldn't trade that experience for anything. i thank my grandma for the couch. i am blessed i appreciate all that i have and i love my little house,  

Golly!!

Renae has always had a very "obvious" approach to communicating in that she doesn't ever find metaphorical ways of communicating simple concepts. I admire that about her very much. This blog hasn't been overwhelming for me but I have shied a little bit away from it because I always take this existential, non specific approach to communication. I am terrible at communicating anecdotal accounts of mere existence when they pertain to my life, I think its because I get bored reiterating what happened in my life its almost like "I was there, so why re-hash an event that I have already experienced once today" hahaha readers! please know that I am not cynical towards life, in fact I believe the glass is always half full! and its always half full of purple or red kool-aid. I guess I just have to be ok with the fact that my blog posts are going to look sound and smell differently than Renae's. Consider this a disclaimer but don't expect neat paragraphs separated as per unifying topical information! Just try and get on my nile of consciousness and enjoy the expedition, I will be the boat driver and Renae will be the tour guide, she's better at pointing out the sights, and i will just do my best to stay afloat :)

Even writing this blog post shows me that relationships are less about striving towards homogenization and more about being who it is that you are. A lot of times its actually easier to accept someone else for who it is that they are, and the real difficulty comes when you gotta accept who it is that you are. This is the maiden voyage of my blog-captain career and my hope is to learn more about myself my Nae and the people we come into contact with. Stay tuned for what is to come Renae has given you a taste with 6 posts already! but that is only a taste of the kool-aid, it is on like Donkey Kong in fact I played that game today on my brother's gameboy (look at me being anecdotal!)        

Latinas and Body Image

Things change and rearrange, why do we try and exclude our bodies?

I recently and randomly ran into a good friend from high school, turns out, her aunt lives two houses down from where I care-give. We decided that after my time with the girls, we would hang out.

At 1:00, I called my friend and she said, "Come inside, my aunt wants to meet you." As I reached the top of the stairs, my eyes fell in love with her house, the colors, the decorations, all of it. It was extremely clean, and some might say that all of the color make the house too busy, but for me, it made me feel right at home.

Her aunt and I immediately clicked, we changed subjects almost every minute as we laughed in between. Her aunt was a sweet lady, outgoing, friendly, and made you feel like her house was your house. Her presence alone made me shift from sitting up straight on her couch to slouching and cuddling with a pillow.

Once my friend and I decided that it was time to go, her aunt came out to say good-bye. She shook my hand and once her hand met mine, she said, "You give a great handshake, which means you are an honest and sincere person. I love your spirit, it's colorful, you have great energy." Almost immediately after, she reached out to touch my stomach, rubbing it as if I had a baby bump, she then said, "You have a great figure." At this moment, I thought to myself, "This woman is serious right now? She just finished talking about my character, now she's rubbing my stomach!" I'm accustomed to Latin women being so forward when it comes to bodies and the compliments and/or putdowns that they give so I wasn't shocked or offended, I was comically entertained. Immediately after touching my stomach, she put her hands on my waist and said, "I can actually see your waist, how nice, I can't even see mine anymore." I told her, "You look great for your age, what are you talking about?" She then explained to me that when you age, body parts shift from their original places.

My purpose in this post isn't to state the obvious, it's a known fact that women are under a lot of pressure when it comes to body image, however, I guess all I'm trying to do is poke fun at the fact that Latina women can be extremely forward when it comes to their bodies and the commentary on the bodies of others. We as women also need to stop comparing ourselves to unrealistic standards, especially when age comes into play. I may eat my words when I am 65 but I'll acknowledge the fact that when I'm 65, I won't have the same metabolism as I did in high school, or the metabolism that I have now which is slower than the metabolism I had in high school.

I believe that my body and my assets are sacred, and although compliments are nice, I feel that there needs to be recognition that a body is personal. For women who are well-endowed, petite, or slender, our body parts aren't who we are or what we do, they are simply body parts. And, our bodies are the standard. I remember asking a friend in high school, "You ever notice that a Barbie body is like, non existent, or one in a million? How come they don't make Barbies that look like everyday people?" Her response, "Because they wouldn't sell."

"Everybody is unique. Compare not yourself with anybody else, lest you spoil God's curriculum."-Baal Shem Tov