I really dislike sounding generic so I will try to avoid sounding so.
My 20's have been deemed my years of continual stretching. You think you're bad and then you're thrown into the real world where relationships with God, your spouse, family, work/coworkers and self are all in a juggling act. At one point or another, I have failed miserably at all five of these categories, sometimes at the same time. These lessons that I am learning don't apply to any one of these categories in particular, but more so overall.
Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Renae Ingram and I am re-learning how to be a functioning adult all over again.
1. "If you don't want others to speak on it, you probably shouldn't. either" Advice is nice, but too much advice from multiple people can leave you confused. The scary thing is that advice with one person, can potentially turn into gossip with the person you shared with, with another person. Watch who you share the intricate details of your personal life with because those personal details can become casual conversation in other circles.
2. "Help me understand more." It's so easy to disagree with someone right off of the bat, and then steam-roll your point of view without truly understanding where they are coming from. I have saved myself from so many negative situations just by saying, "Please help me understand where you're coming from," instead of saying, "First of all........".
3. Don't apologize for how you feel, unless you allow how you feel to lead you into sin. Feelings are dangerous, they're fleeting. Mostly rooted in true sentiment, but often felt with a misunderstanding of reality. My dad always said, "You can be mad, you just can't stay mad." Being angry isn't a sin, but staying angry is. In our relationships, whether personal, familial, spiritual, professional or marital, it's healthy to express how you're feeling, as long as you know where it's coming from. But if you act a fool, I realized no one will take your feelings seriously. I saw a beautiful quote the other day that said, "Our hearts are dangerous creatures, that's why our ribs are cages." Boom, think about it.
4. Things don't have to be perfect to exist, just exist.
5. Raising your voice doesn't solve anything, ever.
6. Spend time with yourself. If you're afraid to go to a movie by yourself, reevaluate your self-esteem. People have a fear of being alone in public, why? Being alone can be liberating.
7. Family, family, family, family, family over everything. Blood related or not, take care of them, they will be there to support you when you fall and be there to applaud you when you get back up.
8. People choose to do what they want, act how they act, speak how they speak. Stop making excuses for other's behavior and take responsibility for your own. Beware of those who say things like, "I don't know why I do this...", "It just happened....", "I didn't mean it......", "This was how I was raised......". That's all well and good and stuff, but when you begin to take responsibility for your actions, reactions, past, mistakes, you name it, you won't tolerate mistreatment from someone who can't identify why they what they do. I am not saying to not extend grace or forgiveness, but a boss I admire so much once told me, "If you respect yourself, don't tolerate disrespect from others." Respecting yourself means committing yourself to self-improvement, understanding your intricacies and your own dysfunction; don't get involved with others who don't know themselves.
9. Don't be afraid to say "no".
10. Speak up. I often struggle with being the "outspoken" Latina. But, it's earned me some respect. Being outspoken doesn't mean you have to be loud and moving your neck every which way, it means you speak your opinion as an opinion, not a fact, and you do so assertively. When I started to speak up assertively and not aggressively, things changed.
11. People will always talk and speculate. Let them, and give them nothing to talk about. Guard your privacy, keep your personal life sacred. If I were a celebrity, I would want to be like Julia Roberts, Denzel Washington or Tom Hanks. Their business isn't always on blast, they are respected because they respect what they have. I have come to realize that if I were a celebrity, if Wendy Williams asked me about my love life, I would say, "I'm happy and I intend to keep it that way. That's all." I would never write a memoir either.
12. Take responsibility for the way you speak. "I didn't have enough time" vs. "I didn't make enough time", "I didn't leave on time" vs. "There was a lot of traffic". When you begin to switch around your speech, you will begin to switch around your actions.
13. You find out someone doesn't like you....your response determines whether or not you care. Seriously.
14. My Nani always said, "Consider the source". Not just for gossip, for life. If you know a certain family member is obsessed with eating "clean", and you visit the house with a bag from Burger King, don't be surprised if the health nut has something to say. People will be who they are. Accept them or move on.
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